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it hurts
2004-02-04 at 4:01 p.m. so i changed into comfy clothes, and went to the bathroom, and grabbed some food so i would be fully prepared to write this entry. but, none of that can really prepare me for it. this entry will be for me. im posting it, so anyone is welcome to read it. but, it's not for you. mitch ended things with me permanently last night. and i hate that i have to say mitch ended things, but that's part of telling the truth. i was the one who cried, and repeatedly yelled "i hate you", and blaimed the last few months problems on him. but, i know even now that it was what we needed. it was what had to happen. i was too weak to do it. it hurt me so much that it had to be him though. the words he said stung me and i felt pain worse than i've ever known. and i lost my best friend. and two years of my life ended. because i can't see him and i can't talk to him. i don't even know if it's about getting over him. i think it's more that i know i can very easily fall into the trap of telling him i love him and need him, when this isn't really how i feel. if i pick up that phone its going to be to say things i don't want to say. i have to do what's right for me this time around. but it breaks my heart that i'm loosing my best friend in the process. that i have to live without his kisses and his bed and his family and his puppies and his face. and it's when i say that that i start to cry. because everything that he is is such a huge part of me. he said it last night, we've been together since we were 16. things change. all i heard was "we've been together since we were 16." he was the biggest part of my life for nearly two years and it has to go away. i can't be his friend, at least not now. but i don't know how to live without him either. and i don't know if i love him. there's so much i don't know and i know i need to figure it out now. but, for two years he was who i figured things out with. he got me through so much. and maybe i don't want to be strong for myself, maybe i want to have him holding my hand and getting me through stuff. i think the worst feeling in the world must be this. not knowing how i really feel. i'm back at square one. i'm alone. i don't have mitch anymore, and it really has to be that way this time. and when i say that i know that i love him. and i know that im alone. and i know that this is going to be the hardest thing i've had to do in my life yet. and as i write this i feel like i can't be ok. this isn't going to be ok. i hate valentine's day. and i hate that another girl is going to be able to be with him. i hate that he doesn't love me anymore. i hate that maybe i feel the same way. i hate that something so special to me ended, and i'm the one giving it the final push. ya know...it just hurts.
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