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knee deep in my shit
2004-02-11 at 4:23 p.m. i feel like shit today. my head has been hurting all day. i've run out of pep talks for myself. it's cold out and it's a 5 class wednesday and i've been thinking again. mitch is bothering me. he is so unaffected by everything. this makes convincing myself that this is for the best much harder. because he's fine. he doesn't want to pick up his phone and call me, in fact he's happy he doesn't have that burden anymore. me? i nearly have to break a finger each time a song with a good bass line comes on or i start to wonder if he got into binghamton. and i keep thinking about what type of person he is, and all of these things i want to come down on him about. i guess what really bothers me is that he's not sad. he's not sad that after 2 years i'm not talking to him anymore. because, it's what he wants. he wants to be away from me. and i don't let myself think about that too much. don't let myself think that he doesn't ever want to kiss me or hug me again. because that's the stuff that hurts. so, i tell myself i'm not the first person to go through this. a lot of people have had it worse...cheating, death, etc. it's just, it's a different kind of hurt for me because when i met him he was absolutely the person i wanted to be with. i loved how he treated me. then he stopped. not one week ago, but about 10 months ago. and i hate him for that. i guess that's not so different from what everyone else must feel as well. i hate him for that, too. i don't know. i'll be ok, because what else is there to do? i have to take the ups and downs, and hope it eventually leads to some inner happiness. because no matter how fucked up im feeling, i do realize i need some time to be me. not just "some" time either. a lot of time. and, honestly, i don't need another person coming into my life trying to figure me out. i don't know if what's inside is beautiful or ugly, but i don't need someone describing it to me. because that's the only diagnosis i've listened to for 18 years. i don't want someone knee deep in my shit, telling me it's beautiful or perfect for them.
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