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whole lot of nothing
2003-09-25 at 6:44 p.m. i am so frustrated with so many things right now. i hate that im not dorming, and that im stuck here in my house. i feel like if i dormed life would be easier to handle, always doing something. im bitter that my one brother got to go to the school he really wanted to go to, and the other gets to dorm at an awesome school. im just here, at a second choice school, sitting at home on my computer. im sick, which is the last thing i really needed at this point in time. i just looked at the requirements for being a sociology major (probably not what i want to do anyways) and i'm so overwhelmed. i dont even like school, god only knows how i ended up back in it. i despise it. and i got back my sociology exam today...a C. a 72. hows that for being a sociology major? and i dont have mitch right now, and he's on college visits with two girls, one of which i know for sure he hooked up with, and the other i suspect. and im just wondering when im going to run into some good luck? and, its ridiculous how hard i've been trying to tell myself its ok, and to find happiness in the smallest things. im worn out, because these self motivational talks aren't doing jack shit. im in such a rut. i dont like where i am in my life right now at all. it just feels like things get worse each day, no matter what i tell myself. and im not entirely sure what to do with myself. im supposed to be studying for two big exams tommarow, but i cant find the motivation. my head has been pounding all day, and any time i lean over to read, its like niagara falls coming out of my nose. and no one good is online to talk. and, you know what else? i'm pissed with my friends. there. i said it. if any one of them ended a year long relationship, i would have sent them a card reassuring them that they're still them, and nothing changes that. i would have offered words of encouragement, told them they'll make it through, call and check up on them. no one has. and it gets hard telling yourself every day that you're going to be ok, when you know you wont be. i know its nothing personal, but i would do it for them. i regret giving so much of myself to people. i was telling mitch yesterday how i was thinking to myself, maybe if i got really sick with some disease or got in a car accident he would see what i meant to him. and maybe my friends would too. or perhaps missy would continue being obsessed with will, hannah would continue worrying about the latest fashion and her hair, and christina would have me smoke some pot. thats what id like to do. smoke some pot and do a whole lot of nothing. sounds about right.
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