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love is a wonderful thing
2004-01-14 at 5:08 p.m. i got your note mel. im assuming that the boy on the treadmil died because he was using steroids, as the rumors go. i know the boy in the car accident was stoned. i don't know who the third person is however. either way, it's pretty fucking scary. it was so freezing today. buffalo has some of the worst winter weather. horrible horrible. commuting is such a pain in my ass...hauling frozen ass all over campus just to sit in a room that the heat isn't working in. these 5 class wednesdays will be the death of me. i saw mitch a little bit ago, so i could say goodbye. our time together is so limited...once every week or two. i am so torn on everything. everything feels so good when we're together, and he's watching me sleep, and rubbing my back, and we're talking about goofy things. but, when i leave it just hurts. i have been trying to figure out why exactly it hurts as much as it does, and, as my pessimist side appears, i reasoned that it was because i wasn't happy. this is of course part of it, but a bigger part of me sees that i'm torn to pieces because i'm so happy when i'm with him. i sat there today and ran my fingers along the outline of his face. and when i would open my eyes from falling asleep his baby eyes were looking down at me. and he's so beautiful to me. and i'm so happy when i'm right there, in those exact moment. sometimes it hits me how intense it all is, and i can barely breath. i know that when i leave it almost immediately begins to melt away. it used to be that while i was there i was miserable, and when i left i was missing him or feeling sorry for being mean. now i'm enjoying our time together, but always so broken up about leaving. and it's first love. and im terrified of that. because, i can't picture loving this much again. i don't mean that in the sense that i can never picture myself feeling as much love for someone, it's just i can never see myself loving so unrestrictedly or heartbroken free as this. it scars you, and you are forever changed. i can never approach a relationship with the same sense of "this is forever", because i've learned that forever is few and far between. it's not about triumphing the pain and learning to love again, because i know i will absolutely love again. but, i also know that it can never be like this. i suppose that is why first love is such a beautiful and important thing. it's so fragile and lovely. and, God help me, i love him. do you know what it feels like? just to be in love i mean? people only seem to speak happily about initial love, where no one has been hurt yet, and there is still so much to learn. but, more beautiful to me, is the wounded love. the love that is familiar and has experienced hurt and arguments of the worst level. the love that has had so many ups and downs. every touch means something different, a step towards remembering and becoming better. the love that continues to try when it is seemingly a hopeless case. the unglazed eyes, the familiar everything, the pain between the two people. i have been lucky enough to experience both types of love, and have found that both are wonderful in their own right. i suppose love is a beautiful thing at all times. even unreturned love, or tortured love, or separated love, or out of love love. i leave for florida tomorrow. i will probably write once more before i leave. hopefully this mini vacation will do me some good in one way or another, if only to take me away from the cold.
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