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only words
2004-01-13 at 8:28 p.m. i was talking with jerell one day about how much i love writing. he agreed, but had a bit of an argument against it: once the words are all written down in a letter (or, i don't know, a diary entry perhaps) they have already begun to fade and become untruthful. at first i was taken aback. it's much easier to believe that since words are etched down somewhere that they are the truth and they are final. if i have learned one thing from having this diary it is that what i write is usually not what i feel days or even minutes afterwards. sometimes an outlet is needed. it is probably not the wisest decision for my outlet to be a diary posted on the internet, but this is what works best for me. not to say that what i write each entry means nothing to me later on, but things just lose their importance and, in some cases, i really do completely disagree with myself upon future reading. things change. life happens. i update every day but a million things happen to me in the in between time that completely change what i have written in the entry before. the best i can do is write my next entry with as much passion and truth as i can at that moment, knowing the next few seconds after posting could completely alter my thoughts. that's what's so special about writing. it captures a moment in time, an emotion, a person. anything really. but it would be false to say that what is written is the final truth about anything. i am beginning to think my interest in writing stems from a need for structure or regularity. life is of course not as straight forward or black and white as words make it, but it slows things down for a bit. stops time really. thought i don't feel my regular readers needed this explanation, others may. my words are only moments and emotions in time. as each sentence or word or entry comes to an end so much has already begun to change or happen. my words are never final. they are only words.
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