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make-a-wish wanabee
2003-10-30 at 9:05 a.m. my whole life i've had outrageous obsessions. when i was little i remember i collected my little ponies. then one day i stopped, but i discovered the television show. i would watch the show religiously just so i could see if one of my ponies was in the episode. i would study how they acted so that i could make sure when i played with them that i was playing correctly. i wanted to be in their world. i would dream about being the only human to live with them. i loved their colors, and i had a favorite. i can't recall how my obsession stopped, perhaps when the show wasn't on anymore. i was obsessed with the olympic gymnast dominique moceanu. i bought her biography and would read it again and again, and tried to convince my parents to let me take lessons. i wrote her countless letters, and i used to tell myself that if i was a make-a-wish child i would pick to see her, and then she'd feel bad for not writing me back. seriously. i was obsessed with hanson. poured over hanson websites for hours at a time, wrote countless letters, obsessed over any hanson memorbilia, traded with other hanson fans, had a hanson pen-pal, and truly believed that i was destined to marry taylor or zach, whoever proposed first. it hurt in my stomach that i never met them. i once pulled a muscle in my leg really bad pretending that i was at a hanson concert while i watched a tour video. my mom excused me from gym because of "dance class." i became obsessed with my first boyfriend who i dated for 2 and a half weeks. i couldn't have given two shits about him while we were dating, and avoided him at all costs, causing him to dump me because i "obviously didn't care." i was fine until he got a new girlfriend, and i pined away for a year. a YEAR, at least. i would religiously read the amherst bee because i knew his girlfriend played tennis and maybe i'd catch a glimpse of her. i would check the sweet home honor role to see if she was on it. eventually i met her, and was as nice as can be and we somehow formed a friendship. i secretly plotted to get him back the whole time. one time the two of them gave me a ride home and i stole his toothbrush. (i still have it and the other day i used it to clean flip flops) im not even sure how i got "over him". it really wasn't even necesary, because i never really cared about him. but with each of these obsessions i got that horrible pain in my stomach, the heartbreak feelings. i really yearned to be one with my little ponies, and be a part of their world. with dominique moceanu i think i hoped i would come down with leukemia because i would meet her. with hanson my heart broke on a daily basis because i couldn't be with them. with craig i just cried regularly and tried every possible way to get over him. i feel those feelings now. the horrible pain in my stomach, the heartbreak. and i want to compare it to my little ponies and olympic gymnasts who dissapeared off of the face of the earth. but, it's not this time. and that kind of sucks. i had what i wanted, and for once i wanted it the entire time i had it. i was happy. and somehow it still got taken away from me. that wasn't my really point. i actually just wanted to write about my weird obsessions. i don't think i ever acknowledged it and, sadly, this entry doesn't even do it all justice. the weirdest part for me is as ive gone through life, even now, i think to myself what i would wish if i was a make-a-wish kid. and that's just sick. i think it's my way of saying "hah!" to everyone because they didn't care half as much as i did, and now im leaving. it's demented and weird. and i usually have such normal thoughts, but something inside is a little bit out of whack i suppose.
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