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check myself into the red spot hotel;)
2003-10-29 at 8:00 p.m. i hurt myself today to see if i still feel. i focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. can you guess the mood of this entry? gloomy. unhappy. alone in the world. a 17 year old girl with everything and nothing to bitch about. i went to make my schedule for next semester today, and, although i can't even register for classes until november 15th, the ones i really wanted to take are completely booked. ok, so maybe it was just yoga that was booked, but the british lit courses were almost completely filled too. i love being a freshman. as my advisor said "a new kid on the block". (i had that stupid oreo, or whatever, song in my head for the rest of the day.) anyways, it was dissapointing because i was really looking forward to yoga. perhaps ill try badmitton or latin rhythmic dancing? no? i was thinking today that if my diary gets reviewed im going to get bitched at for never using capitals. my theory is that i can type much quicker without having to slam my pinkie down on the Shift key for each sentence. i like how it looks, and it has nothing to do with my grammar or my inability to spell or understand english. i write long papers for school all week and, so-help-me-God, im going to go a little crazy here and not use capitals. i was thinking today about how sad i am that i deleted all of the entries in my first and second diary. and i did it because of steve too, which is the real shitty party. some of those entries that i wrote would probably comfort me now, or make me smile, or just feel good to look at. i keep signing into them just to make sure all the entries are really gone. they are. and it still makes me sad each time. i really fear for my birthday this year. i know its stupid, but ive always have some unnatural fear that everyone will forget. each and every year something awesome happens though. but, i just feel like nothing can top last year. and i've always thought that each year, but there's was always something that made it amazing. i just dont feel like that's going to happen this year. im not as close with my friends anymore, everyone's all over the place. i feel desperate planning this meeting for dinner thing. i hate birthdays. i really do. its a guaranteed reinforcement of my insecurities and the fact that i dont have a boyfriend. im done complainging now. did i mention my periods about to start? mitch helped me with math homework today and i just started bawling when i didn't get it. luckily he's used to it and licked the tears off of my face and let me bite him. ah i love our relationship. when i got frustrated i chewed on his arm until i could get an answer. he chewed on my leg when he was bored with tv. and we snuggled and cuddle and we're so damn cute. anyways, back to pmsing. mitch and his friend neil apparently want to create the "red spot hotel"...send your girlfriend off to a hotel with a little man there to take care of them and feed them pudding as i believe he put it. not exactly funny now but at the time when i was crying over my math homework and chewing on his arm it was. yea...
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