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mish mash
2004-01-13 at 11:42 a.m. i feel as if i have been making a fool out of myself for a very long time now. the hardest part of recognizing that is also realizing that i wont be able to stop. once again, i feel as if my life is uncontrollable. classes yesterday were a bit of a mess. i had to drop anthropology, and am now taking mythology and religion in ancient civilizations, which actually seems pretty interesting. this novels course i'm taking is going to be intense. we're reading 6 novels in one semester, including 1984, A Tale of Two Cities, and so on. i already feel overwhelmed, but having no classes on tuesdays and only recitation on thursdays should be helping. it was great to be able to sleep in today. i've been thinking a lot about what it means to have respect for yourself. i'm starting to feel very stupid for trying so hard at something that gives me a smirk and occasionally a thank you. i'm working out a lot now, i'm taking really interesting classes, i have a car and things to do, and i'm not proud of any of it. i guess that, to me, is losing self respect. that i have all of these things that are improving me, and all of this time to do it, but it doesn't make me feel any better. my muscles are toning up and my hair cut has finally grown in to something stylish, yet i still don't care how i look at school. i still only dress up when it comes to new years or seeing him. i don't take pride in myself, and i can't expect anyone else to. it's true what boys tell you...you can't love someone who doesn't love themself. i've put so much effort into making someone love me for the last year and a half that i forgot to take care of me. and i'm upset with myself for that. i'm mad that i am 18 years old and i still tend to cringe when i look in the mirror and hate the way clothes fit me and how long my legs are. silly as it is, i wish i had put time into loving my face, and finding awesome pants for my legs. i'm starting to think that no one is going to come along until i can be content with myself. i can't keep pushing it off every time a guy comes along. i am starting to feel like a joke of sorts, if only to him.
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