|
an old movie
2003-01-08 at 3:05 p.m. we had senior summit today. it has only confused me more about what i want to do, where i want to go, who i want to be. i'm pretty set on canisius and dorming, but a part of me wants to leave and go far away. another part of me just wants to stay right in my room for the rest of my life. i have so many fears about college. if i fuck it up, then what? then im screwed. i was looking through pictures today with some of the girls, most of them from prom. jessica started "aw"ing over a picture and i asked to see it. it was the cutest picture of me whispering something to steve with a huge grin on my face and him quickly looking up at the camera. it wasn't even that it made me sad or anything like that, but i just stared at it for a long time. just looking at my face, looking at his face. it was so odd, because that all seems like such a blur now, when it used to be the hugest part of my life. i guess i forgot that i was happy with that at one time, and it was good to see my smile and remember that. i'm still uncertain of how things ended how they did...i suppose it was his being with someone the day after we broke up...yeeeea, thats probably it. i don't regret anything, and i know i'm much happier now than i ever was then, but it still boggles my mind to think that we went from one extreme to the other. isn't it funny how relationships work out? funny how you go from centering your world around one person and then cutting off all contact. the other day i tried to remember what i felt like the first nite we didn't talk on the phone before i went to bed. i don't remember it bothering me, but you would think it would. after 6 or so months of that, wouldn't it bother me to one day just stop? it's funny how the mind works like that. it's wonderful to be where i am now. i'm not being sad or regretful by any means, i've just been thinking about how weird the mind is. how i went from one person to the next, and steve seems like a movie i watched a long time ago that i've forgotten the details to. something like that. i know nothin could replace how i feel now, and i think that's a big part of me forgiving. i really don't need to hold a grudge anymore, as much as i tell myself i "deserve" it. in conclusion, i should apologize for all these dramatic entries. life is wonderful, i am so happy, i simply come here to write about the things that go on in my mind that i attempt to explain. i always was better at expressing myself through writing..
previous & next
|
|