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if my children do this...
2003-07-04 at 9:28 a.m. i did something again last nite that i didn't want to do. and im stupid, so stupid. i sat up and talked about it with mitch which helped and he's gonna be able to help me stop it. i just feel like such a dissapointment sometimes...such a coniving person. such a brat. i hate the feeling i used to get so often last year when i prayed that my parents didn't know what i did last nite. its like im right back into that part of my life when i worked so hard to get rid of it. maybe i just grew up faster than other people...i realized the stupidity of house parties and drinking and drugs over a year ago, and many people wont realize it for years to come. whatever the case i feel guilty, and my guilt is so hard to get rid of. i used to not have a consciouns (how in hell do you spell that?!) it seems. and then, last april that all changed and i was forced to spill out every important lie i had told. and the lies have just built up even more this year, some new, some old hat. and its not something where you sit down with a parent and tell them every incriminating thing you've done. its doesnt work that way. and the one thing that keeps popping into my mind is that when i have children i never want them to do the things that i do/did. i keep picturing my son or daughter going off and doing the things i see or that i do. and if these are just my "imaginary children" and i am only 17, i can only imagine the way my parents feel. and i guess im proud of the way they raised me. i have always been given a lot of freedon; no curfew, not many questions before i leave the house, no strict rules. and there was a time when i completely took advantage of that. but, it always came back to me feeling bad, tearing myself apart, and making the necesary changes. somewhere during my upbringing wrong and right was instilled in me and i became my own repremander. i just i feel like shit. time to start repramanding again..
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