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the person i never wanted to be
2003-11-23 at 2:36 p.m. i read this in a diary and it's a lot of how ive been feeling... i dont want to be something you have to 'deal with'. i shouldnt have that sort of negative connotation attached to who i am and what i am meant to be for you, to you. i am not someone you have to deal with, put up with, have to be with. i am not that. i dont want to be that. im trying is all i can say. trying to be patient when all of a sudden i dont hear from you for days, and every effort put in is my own. trying to be forgiving when you go to another party and you got on to another girl. trying to understand why it is so hard when you are away from me to be with me. trying for the life of me but tonight failing all the same. what is it that you want from me? i thought that was really well-written and expressive. i called around this morning in an attempt to get out of the house once more. mitch was a last resort after a long line of people not answering their phones. he offered me very little help, but he did manage to yell at me. i suppose i deserve it as i said "fuck you" to him when he suggested i go and study somewhere. but, here i am bawling into the phone and that is his suggestion for me. pick up your books and go study. he couldn't see me because he was about to run errands with his mom and his sister. is it only me that would consider someone i care about more important than running errands? maybe im the crazy one here. whatever. it just hurt my feelings. i think i just need to give up on this, because maybe im unhappy with him, not just him and i being broken up. i have really high, outlandish expectation i am told (like remembering to call me, and wanting to see me. i know, im a real bitch.) which make me frustrating. but, i do have these expectations, and im sensible enough to know i deserve at least that. even if we're back together tomorrow, it will never be quite enough. im trying to find the balance between perfection and jack shit. somehow i don't think he can provide me with it. my mom is randomly being nice. offering to go buy ornaments she found to give to my friends for christmas. two hours ago she was leaving nasty messages on my voice-mail. i don't understand. she has 49 years of frustration at everything. i can't be like that. it's getting out of here that will prevent it. i already feel as if i've been poisoned in a way by the years of fighting and screaming. it wore off on me. i don't know when or how, but it did. i hear my mom in me when i yell at mitch. i feel my mom in me when i'm bitter and miserable. i am becoming, or perhaps have already become, the person i don't want to be. and, at this moment in time, it seems irreversible.
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