|
no vacancy
2003-11-23 at 10:44 a.m. long while since ive got myself across, but there's a reason for that...even if i caught you i'd throw you back. i wanted to find somewhere to sleep last nite other than home. i couldn't. i didn't. there was no bed to offer, or no one was there to offer it. or, worse i think, there was no where i felt comfortable showing up in the middle of the night crying. melissa and jessica were out, and i cant just barge into their dorm. missy was out with will. christina lives in geneseo. hannah was out and sleeping at her sisters. the boys were all drunk or out. and mitch was out and i know i could never just show up at his door at 1am crying and ask for a place to stay. he wouldn't wake up, probably wasn't home, and i feel as if i have no place there. so i drove around for a few hours. i was supposed to be out downtown, but after the worst, and longest, fight ever with my parents i wasn't in the mood and never would have been ready in time. i couldn't find a place to sleep. no one had a bed i could crash in. more importantly, mitch couldn't provide me with anything. i had horrible dreams last night and i woke up this morning crying. i got up and immediately came down here to the basement so i wouldn't have to talk to my parents. i don't know what it is. everything has fallen completely out of place and im scrambling to put it back together to no avail. all of the little things continue to add up. and last night it was all just reinforced. i didn't write thank you notes, asking for a gym membership for christmas was ludicrous, i somehow got yelled at for my gynecologist apointment on tuesday, i don't make enough money and my mom claism she will have to pay my cell phone bill (which, i might add, has only happened once and she did it as some gift for some holiday. and she's not going to pay it, i will.), im irresponsible, and so on. i'm just not happy right now, and a two hour long argument about how much of a fuck up i am wasn't what i needed. i want someone in my life to pick everything up with me and leave, even if just for a week. everyone talks, but no one is prepared to do it. i really feel each new day i spend here the crazier i feel. i wish this entry could go on forever because i feel ok when im writing. i just want to find someone who will answer a door at 1am when im crying and let me sleep in their bed with them. last night was just so lonely. i can't have another night like that. i just can't.
previous & next
|
|