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you're perfect. perfect for me.
2003-10-26 at 10:41 p.m. i told him what i'd been wanting to say for months now. i told him that his friends aren't really his friends. and that his problems started up again when he started smoking again. i told him about the times he used to call me upset because he thought he had no friends, and all he had was me. they all left when he quit. i told him that those weren't his true friends. and i just kept talking and talking, and he wouldn't say anything. and, in the smallest little voice, he told me "you're right." and it just about broke my heart. and it was okay temporarily because i fixed it the first time around. i was enough to get him through a few months, drug-free. and i watched him deteriorate once he started smoking again. i held my tongue, because how do you tell someone that their friends aren't their friends, and that without his pot he's nothing. they'll leave just like they did the first time. they don't care about you. we talked and he realized that he has two true friends. three including me. and that he's basically alone in this. and he realized what role i play in his life, or at least i hope he did. i told him. told him that i never once judged him or loved him any less for any slip he made. i pulled him back up as best i could, and dusted him off, and kissed his forehead. i cried the tears he wouldn't let out, and feared the things he thought wouldn't hurt him. i was there the first time around. and i've always been there whether it mattered or not. and he said to me "you fixed me because you're beautiful, and wonderful and perfect. you're perfect for me." and as much as this should make me smile, it just breaks my heart. i never thought i'd be what got him through life. that's what he always was for me. but im prepared to do it, i'll do it all again. it will break my heart worse than i can imagine if it doesn't work this time.
truth be told i've tried my best, but somewhere along the way i got caught up in all there was to offer.
and the cost was so much more than I could bear. though i've tried, i've fallen...I have sunk so low. i have messed up better i should know...so don't come round here and tell me I told you so...we all begin with good intent, love was raw and young. we believed that we could change ourselves...the past could be undone. but we carry on our backs the burden.
time always reveals the lonely light of morning, the wound that would not heal.
it's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear.
heaven bent to take my hand. nowhere left to turn. i'm lost to those i thought were friends...to everyone I know. oh they turned their heads embarassed...pretend that they don't see. but it's one missed step. you'll slip before you know it. and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.
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