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pointing fingers
2004-02-17 at 11:58 a.m. i'm slipping back into it all. i wake up every morning feeling like i can't make it through the day, and, a lot of days, like yesterday, i don't. i don't go to classes. i don't do anything. and i let the sadness take over, and i plan out ways to fix it in my head, and i blaim myself for everything. i don't want to do this again. i was doing so good too. i didn't get to good a specific way, so there's no formula i can follow to be happy again. but, here's the depression again, sneaking up on me. it seems so much easier to bask in my sorrow. because sadness is always there...anything can make me sad. happiness involves searching, and convincing, and pain for me. i think this whole "slipping" idea is when my body can't work so hard at happiness anymore. a part of me still feels like i need him. my body is going through withdrawl. he drives me crazy. i hate that he went to that dance with another girl, less than a week after we broke up. i hate that he doesn't want to call so bad that it hurts. i hate that he doesn't miss every little thing i've touched in his life. i hate that two years ending can't even bring a tear to his eye. i hate that i don't know who he is. i hate that everyone else thinks they do, and that they think he's a bad person. i hate that his old emails are all about marrying me and being meant for each other. i hate that i lost my virginity to someone who had been with so many other people at the age of 16. i hate that i feel used and worthless. i hate that he has turned into nothing but a worthless burnout who gets his kicks from little girls that adore him. i know this sadness is because of him and this breakup. but, no matter how much i tell myself that it doesn't fix it. yes, everything else is basically ok. but, he used to be everything, and everything else mattered so little. that's my own fault. i know. lesson learned. point taken. don't make someone your entire world. you, whoever you is, didn't have to prove it to me so destructively though. you're ripping my world apart. you're making 8 hours of sleep feel like 2. you're making me feel crazy. i want to say that "you" is God. i just need someone to blaim. i've picked it all apart too much that it would feel better to have someone to point the finger at. because who really wants to point their own finger at themself?
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