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bad writing and remote control
2003-11-28 at 1:49 p.m. i want a life remote. i want to fast forward, more importantly rewind, and pause things, people, places. i am so lost right now. thanksgiving with mitch was a mess. i asked him ifwe should just give up and he was all "well, do YOU want to?". he apparently doesn't want to. we had a three hour long talk. i don't know how to explain any of it. i love him so so much, and he feels the same. but, we just don't work. we always end up fighting and we don't feel right. he asked me if he thought we were even compatible anymore. i don't fucking know. we always have been. i just feel like i've have love blinders on, or something like that. i didn't use them briefly last night and i couldn't look at him without crying. i hated driving over there, i had to give myself a pep-talk before i got out of the car. i hated dealing with his family, i hated watching tv and having his mom come in and watch it over our shoulders. i hated how i could predict everyone's moves in the house, not just mitch's and my own. i hate that he's still in high school. i hated everything last night. i just feel like it's time to let go, but i don't know how to. and i don't know if it's the right decision. i still love him so ridiculously, but it just hurts now and makes me mad. this is such a poorly written entry, but my brain is just fried. there was no real closure or ending. i'll still be calling him from work saturday and being upset with our conversation. i know it has to end soon, i'm just not ready for that day to come. we just fell asleep next to each other. when i got up to leave i knealt down to throw up outside his house from my pounding head and my sickness with the situation. i was a complete mess. i hadn't been crying, i had been sleeping for the last hour, but when we opened our eyes at the exact same moment it was too much for me to take. i love him, but i don't know what to do with that. either way just hurts so much. i really really want a fast forward button.
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