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solidarity
2003-11-18 at 8:25 p.m. i went to starbucks tonite with a really sweet girl named jessica from my math class. helped take my mind off things. went to pie with missy earlier in the day. i drove, which was one pain in the ass...i didn't realize how far away pie really is when you're driving. pie and french fries actually. i got both. i am obviously bored. very very bored. im dreading our phone conversation tonite. he wrote me some email apologizing for not calling last night (he couldn't have called and apologized?) and promising to call tonight. "trust me." and that is possibly the most outlandish request someone has asked of me in a long time. i don't trust him, or his word, or his actions. i don't even believe he'll call. and im dreading the stupid call. i don't have the energy to be a bitch, but i certainly don't feel up to being nice. i can't fully express how much we are just going in circles. i have yet to understand his feelings, and he has yet to listen to me explain mine. i know i deserve something better. but i also know that he is, or at least was, capable of that "better" im looking for. a huge chunk of me is hoping that he'll go back to that. he wont. its silly to think he will i suppose. jerell keeps asking me to go to coffee. i dont want to go. i always enjoy myself once im there with him, but it's so hard to make myself go. i had a few weeks where i was all about trying new things. i was dissapointed and didn't like the new "thing" life had to offer me. it left me bitter, as i had suspected it would. i want to change. i really do. i want to enjoy being single. each time i've become involved in something new, fallen in love, and felt happy i always looked back at these months of healing and wished i had just enjoyed myself. this is a hard task when you don't know what lies ahead of you. my ultimate goal in life is to just be happy by myself... no prospect, no boyfriend, no boy toy. just me, perhaps a kitty, and an apartment in the city. not the ideal living for a hopeless romantic you see. not at all.
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