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stuck in life
2003-10-07 at 7:49 p.m. nothing is perfect forever, things are only good because they are bad other times there. thats the best solution to life i can offer to myself and you. we couldn't comprehend what good was, or at least fully appreciate it, if we didn't face the bad. i think everyone figured out pretty early on that in life it is much much much more likely that things wont go as planned, as wanted, as expected. funny then how it still dissapoints us every damn time. you'd think we'd eventually build up some sort of tolerance, but it goes straight to the heart each time. but these moments, these horrible moments of pain, seem as if they will never yield to happiness. i can only take being down so long. can only be kicked a few more times. i realize that this is probably making me stronger, but it's so frustrating some days. i got so sad today because i really just wanted to see someone and i realize everyone's in their own little world now. missy is too far away for my driving abilities to visit, christina even more so. larry is at ub, and his roommate is in love with me, so its too awkward to go there. hannah is always at work or school. and i just feel lost in the shuffle. i go to a HUGE school. i hate walking by myself to classes. i hate that all of us who went to south still hang out every nite, and its still not fun for the most part. i know i have to make my schedule for next semester soon, and im really questioning why i should bother. i dont know what i want to do whatsoever. my laziness is undeniable. i didn't do a single minute of homework this whole long weekend. friday through monday i did nothing. i take notes and pretend like thats enough, but i never really pay attention. i just hate that i didn't have the balls to work an extra job or two throughout high school so i could go away. i hate even more that i couldn't go away. and, to be completely honest, even though i knew going away wasn't financially affordable, i probably wouldn't have done it because of mitch. how sad is that? i was really so petrified of leaving him because i thought we would stay together. i knew he would go away once he graduated, so i wanted this last year together. and now, he is going to go away, and im here. i haven't experienced one amazing thing in life, i haven't done one thing involving my schooling that im truly happy with. what do i really have to look forward to? i am most certainly taking the road that's been traveled down a million times before. i just feel like another set of mindless footprints.
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