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strong enough to break
2003-11-29 at 5:30 p.m. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. it's just a constant nagging in my head. a constant pain in my stomach, my heart. it just interferes with every last piece of me. i was awake for all of 7 hours yesterday because when i sleep it all goes away. i force myself to fall asleep. and my father is driving me absolutely insane. anytime i leave the house i get a 15 minute talk about driving and being careful. i'm fucking fine. i can survive the 10 minute drive to work. he bought a new little heater for the basement today. he's come in three times now to tell me my blanket is too close to it and i'm going to set it on fire. because im too much of an idiot to know how to operate a fucking heater?! i got upstairs for two seconds and i come back here to find him hurrying out of the room. he turned the heater off. like im not going to notice?! he honestly thinks i can't do much of anything. i get long talks before i attempt to do anything, no matter if it's the first time or the millionth time. and im honestly so sick of it. he makes no sense. he used drugs for some 10 or 15 years before meeting my mom and it really screwed him up. he makes so little sense sometimes it justs ridiculous. mix in depression and only a high school diploma to his name, you have some bumbling idiot trying to use big words. i try to be understanding, but he drives me insane. i just want to prove i can do things for myself. i'm so sick of living at home. i'm sick of my every day routine. i'm sick of being here. i'm sick of mitch, i'm sick of relationships, i'm sick of my friends. sick of my entire situation. i really just want to give up some days. nothing makes me happy anymore, and i'm sick of searching for something that will. i'm sick of trying to make things work out. i'm sick of putting in the effort. i'm sick of the pep talks i give myself on a daily basis to remind myself that i should be thankful that i'm alive, and i have it better than others, and it will all work out okay in the end because that's how fate meant it to be. if this is some challenge to make me a better person, i fucking give up. i've had 4 months of being unhappy, and i'm spent. i just want to be left the fuck alone. i'm not the type of person who is going to sit down and reflect on all of this in an autobiography 5 years down the road. it just tears me down, rips me apart, and makes me want to give up. i'm not strong enough to take any more shit.
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