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together again
2003-10-16 at 11:26 a.m. so, day one. last nite i did something stupid after everything occured. funny how life is always ready to teach me a lesson when i least expect it. needless to say, i didn't exactly do anything good to help me out with my midterm this morning. i most likely failed that, which is just the icing on the 8 millionth cake. and im realizing so many things. like how i didn't just imagine that mitch treated me differently for the second half of our relationship. he just didn't realize that he was hurting me, because he thought he had everything figured out. hence the never showing up on time, forgetting to call, not doing special things. and its crazy, because he's telling me that i know what love is and he doesn't. i never, ever, saw it that way. he was always the smart one, the mature one. i looked up to him. and now i realize he's just a little boy with so much growing up to do. for me, that growing up happened towards the end of my junior year, and by the time i met him i had it all pretty well figured out. he is a senior, deciding where to go to college, and he doesn't know much about life. i think his entire world just collapsed underneath him. to everyone, including himself, he had it all figured out...love, life, friends, school. now he's realizing that he doesn't know much about any of those, specifically love. so maybe that was my purpose in all this. to show him what love really is. i dont believe i understand love, but the way that i knew how to love him somehow showed him. i can only be thankful for him that it worked out that way. i feel so sorry for him right now though, because nothing is as it seemed to him for so long. and i know that feeling, when everything around you loses all meaning, and you realize you're not at all who you thought you were. and im so sorry for him. he has so much to learn and do still. and what scares me the most is that i don't have the slightest idea who the person he evolves into will be. i almost feel like i loved this person, but it wasn't who they really were. he's going to go on and become whatever it is he really is. and i suppose i should be thankful that i was the person to show him that this change needed to occur. and if i was completely selfless i could do that. i just want to hold his hand and lead him along the way. i know that that is impossible, that im going to have to hear about it all months or years from now. and i realize that i have to rethink everything ive thought for the last few months..perhaps even years. and that's so scary for me. he was the person i was striving to be, who i looked up to for everything. and my world has been turned around because he doesn't know anything any better than i do. i feel like we're just two scared little kids running in opposite directions. i just pray that this has an outcome that makes us both better people, and hopefully brings us back together in the end.
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