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im addicted to you, and you know that you're toxic
2004-02-02 at 10:29 p.m. first and formost, i am not sad. i have surprisingly been extremely happy the last few days. but, a sorting of my thoughts in necesary. i read an article the other day that said that love isn't an emotion. there were various studies done, and in one people were shown a picture of their significant other. the part of their brain that was trigerred was addiction. not compassion, not kindness, not anything like that. addiction. you can be addicted to cigarettes, shoes, candy. but love? never really crossed my mind. this has been driving me crazy for quite some time now. because i don't know if i love him, or, dare i say, ever did. he was such an easy person to become addicted to do. he's beautiful, he posessed all of the opposite qualities that i wished i had, he said all the right things, he had a group of friends so different from mine, everyone who i introduced him to adored him, i loved making him feel special, he was my best friend. ya know, and then things got bad. and we broke up. and that seemed like the end of me. i can't say i didn't love him. but now i wonder if i loved him in the only way that i know how, which is as an addiction and a cure. i could picture spending the rest of my life with him. i could have stayed with him through this years. but, i don't know if it's about love. he makes me happy. i love being with him. i feel things for him i don't feel for other people. he brings out the best in me. that's what love is supposed to equal, but does love really even exist? or is it just that he was a great thing to happen to me, so we spent a chunk of our lives together, and it made me happy? because eventually i'll be over it. eventually i wont "love" him anymore. but, if he had wanted to stay with me i would have done it even longer. but, here i am without him, and im ok here too. you can survive either way. and i could be melodramatic as shit and say that this isn't surviving and i'm miserable, but i still smile at the sun and i have great friends and i still find cute boys. and, really, im no where near miserable anymore. it hurts, but it really feels like getting over an addiction. i can't determine what i feel for him, but i do still feel like i need to call him every night, and get sad when he wants to hang up, and tell him i love him, and my stomach twists when i think of him with any other girl. but those are just things im accustomed to feeling. it's like i can't do it any other way. but, there's a huge part of me screaming that it isn't what i want to do. i just feel like i spent a year and a half feeling the same things, and accepting them as my feelings, and now it doesn't seem right. but i don't really know how to stop. and, the weirdest part is i've been so happy lately, but this is going on in my head. and i realized i want to be single. i want to be on my own. but i can't let him go. there's the i love you's, and the babe's, and the cuddling, and the birthday gifts, and the phone calls, and the smiles, and the inside jokes. there's this addiction. and this isn't about the article, or my need to determine why i feel this way. addiction just sort of fits. it makes sense to me. it also explains why i can't "quit cold turkey". maybe it was just a touch, and a feeling, and a person that became a part of my life. and maybe anyone can be in love just as easy as they can fall out. and maybe you can label anything love.
oh my goodness, mitch is totally my tobacco.
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